Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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