any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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