I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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