Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
