I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
