please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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