the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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