My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
