woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
