I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
