she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
