Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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