I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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