Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
