with your own penis?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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