yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
