Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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