i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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