It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
