I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
