sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
