I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
