I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
