oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
