Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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