Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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