just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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