It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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