GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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