Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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