what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
