That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
