If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
