Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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