Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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