She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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