I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
