Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
