i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
