Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I want a musical about memes.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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