Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
