So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
