I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
