he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
