I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
