I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
