Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
