Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
