Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
