I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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