So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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