I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
