So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
