Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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